Drill competition is over. It was one of the toughest, most stressful and best experiences of my life. Silver and best commander. But the results don't matter as much anymore, because my senior contingent mean so much more to me. I couldn't be prouder. 

CTs are over. I'd like to say that I did so badly because it's the first ct of sec 3 and I could only start studying after my competition which was 5 days before the exams, but I don't even know anymore. The results are really bad, and I don't have the guts to tell anybody. I can't stand disappointing everyone again. 

I've trying to read more, I have a stack of Neil Gaiman books and the perks of being a wallflower waiting for me on my table but I don't seem to have the time. A lot of tests, my science competition report, preparation for chinese O's this year. I really want to do well for chinese because it's just normal chinese, if I don't get an A then I know I'm really... a failure. I can't let a grade define me, but I can't help but let the opinions of others do it. 

Last chance is coming up, I'm really excited. But I feel so far away, I need to run back to God because I'm so tired I can't do all this on my own. I'm CSM now, I'm happy but I'm scared and I feel like no one else wants me to be it. Girls are really confusing, I don't even understand myself. 

Today we met my long lost uncle, they lost touch 17 years ago before I was born. I didn't understand a lot of things and I still don't. But sitting there in his house looking at a man who looks so much like my dad and uncle, this moment will become a story that I'll tell my children one day, I thought to myself. My siblings were complaining about how they want to go home, but then I thought about it. I can't imagine how it must be like for my dad, finally seeing his brother after 17 years. They looked so awkward talking, but they looked so happy. 

How did he suddenly find us? Why didn't he call earlier? These questions were bugging me all day and my brother asked them too. My dad didn't know, I didn't know and I don't think I'll ever know or understand, but that's okay. He's here now and that's all that matters. 

I've been trying to be a lot more positive, because I can't live dreading every single day. I need a purpose in life, and I need to always keep my eyes on Jesus if not I'll drown. Over these past few months, I've been thinking a lot. I do that too much I think. Ever since school started and since we split up, I'm alone much more often. And I have to pretend it's okay and it is sometimes, but other times I'm just stuck with me and my thoughts and it drives me crazy so I have my music. 

In life we'll always go through those phases where nothing's wrong but nothing's right, and you just feel so sad all the time over nothing in particular and you don't know how to deal with it. But recently I read a story, and it really changed my perspective. 

We are the zombies. Why do we choke down our feelings and pretend that everything's okay when it's not? We don't want people to worry and it's easier than explaining and all that shit, I get that. But what good is that? It can't change our situation. We need others, and we need others to help us when we can't handle our own problems. Don't play the hero your whole life, because you're gonna need someone to save you too one day. 

People were meant to cry and hurt and laugh. We're supposed to cry when we're sad and shout when we're angry. We're supposed to feel with no filters. What's the point of feeling anything when we spend our whole lives trying not to feeling anything. The point is we're meant to feel and embrace our emotions. It's okay to feel broken. I know what it's like to hurt. And I know what it's like to be alone. But I won't let it control me, because I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm only so young, how am I ever going to survive out there if I keep everything to myself and bottle up my emotions.

Feel your emotions, good or bad. Cry it out. Laugh it out. Embrace it. 

A singer for God. A baseball jacket. My own laptop. Own a pair of Toms & Vans. Pierce my ears. Learn how to play the guitar. Dance in the rain. Ride the Tower of Terror in Tokyo Disneysea again. Master nail art. Learn how to do a french braid. I wanna be blown away, I wanna be swept off my feet, I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe. I wanna be lost in love, I wanna be your dream come true, I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you. I want to fall in love. I want to look at the clouds with him. I want to find myself again. I want to be happy.