It's been ages since I've been here. No one in this dusty old space anymore I guess.

The holidays are almost over. I spent the first half of it in school almost everyday and spent December trying to finish my homework and all my other responsibilities. Just came back from Japan too. 

Do you know the feeling, when nothing's wrong, yet nothing's right? I've been depressed for over a year. Do you know what it's like, trying to fight your way out, but you can't seem to stop drowning? Do you know how it feels to have the demons screaming so loud in your head that you can't do anything but close your eyes and wish it all away? Do you know what it's like to feeling so rejected, that you'll never be good enough? I feel like that every single day. And if you do too, well... I hope no one else has to ever feel what I feel, or go through what I've been through. I know it's hard. I'm still struggling too. I can't give you any words of encouragement anymore. "Stay strong." I'd be a hypocrite if I did. The only comfort I could offer is the fact that you're not alone.

I know out there somewhere other people definitely have it worse than me, but I can't deny my own problems. 

I hate this cycle of me picking myself up for a while and then I relapse. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to do. 

"Are you unhappy, my dear?" 

Everything's not alright, and I would rather...

Still can't cry. 

A singer for God. A baseball jacket. My own laptop. Own a pair of Toms & Vans. Pierce my ears. Learn how to play the guitar. Dance in the rain. Ride the Tower of Terror in Tokyo Disneysea again. Master nail art. Learn how to do a french braid. I wanna be blown away, I wanna be swept off my feet, I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe. I wanna be lost in love, I wanna be your dream come true, I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you. I want to fall in love. I want to look at the clouds with him. I want to find myself again. I want to be happy.