I feel like shit. I HATE THIS. I hate all of it. My life's falling apart. I'm breaking. Whenever it seems like things are looking up and I'm all happy and pumped about being okay again something just has to come along and mess everything up. 

You may think it's stupid but it's so much more to me. It's all I've ever had, don't you understand? It's what defines me, it's they only thing that I actually feel good about. But now it's gone. Whenever people talk about me, they only know me cause of it. 

I have nothing left.

It's the only thing that I want to excel in because it's what I've done my entire life. But that just builds expectations and getting hopes up. My worst fears are coming through. Disappointing people and failure. It's all happening now and I can't do anything about it. I tried my best, I tried so hard, I really did. I can't do this anymore. I can't face you and see what you'll say. 

I can see it in your eyes. It hurts but it's okay... I'm used to it. You all think the same thing. I know it too, I'm nothing without it. You don't have to tell me again that I'm worthless, I know it too.

Oh I did something I should have done long ago, removed my blog from my twitter bio. Gonna spend some time by myself this weekend if I can cause I have no time during the weekdays. I just to get away from all this. I need some time to myself. To get things sorted. I could do it actually, run away. Going far away, would be amazing. 

One day maybe. 

A singer for God. A baseball jacket. My own laptop. Own a pair of Toms & Vans. Pierce my ears. Learn how to play the guitar. Dance in the rain. Ride the Tower of Terror in Tokyo Disneysea again. Master nail art. Learn how to do a french braid. I wanna be blown away, I wanna be swept off my feet, I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe. I wanna be lost in love, I wanna be your dream come true, I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you. I want to fall in love. I want to look at the clouds with him. I want to find myself again. I want to be happy.