I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I can't do anything right and I just mess up everything. My biggest fear, is failure. I'm afraid to try new things and I'm so scared that'll I'll screw it up like everything else and just disappoint everyone. 

I can't do anything right. I can't stop you guys from fighting, I can't plan my time, I can't get my body to get up and continue doing my work. I collapsed. The past few weeks I haven't been sleeping much because of all the test, projects, competitions and homework. It took a toll on me and last night I just conked out. I couldn't wake up in the morning, and I regret it so much. I didn't mean to, all the sleep that I've needed over these past weeks just caught up to me, I couldn't take it anymore. 

Was it wrong of me? I don't know. I still have so much left to do and I don't know where to start. Why would they put teenagers like us into making these kinds of decisions and forcing them to attend all these things when we're all already so tired.

I feel so guilty. I didn't mean to lie to you. But I knew you wouldn't understand, none of you guys would. I know to you guys I'm the happy girl that always seems to be smiling, but I'm not. I'm broken and drowning and I need someone to save me. My life seems so good but there's so much that I haven't said, there's so much that you've still got to find out. You don't know anything about me really. 

Do you know that when I'm stressed out or feeling terrible, I don't eat. I didn't know either, I just realised it recently. I get so caught up in everything and I just skip meals. Sometimes I remember, but I just can't find the appetite to eat. I just work and work and work. 

Do you know that when I tell you that I'm coming home early instead of staying at her house, I come home, lie on my bed and just cry. I cry out all the pain and all the bad things that happened. It helps in a way, crying. It lets out all the hurt and you feel better after crying.

 I don't tell you anything, because I know you'll never actually listen and understand. But I know that you are so busy with everyone else, you won't even have time. Don't try to say that I've never approached you. Believe me, you don't know how many times I've tried to talk to you about it. You just didn't think I was going to say anything important, so you brushed me off and left me hanging. It's okay, I got used to it after a while. 

This picture is exactly what I'm feeling now. So no, I'm not okay. My walls are breaking down and I can't pretend anymore. If you look closely enough, you can see signs. I'm breaking down and cracks are appearing. All the feelings that I've managed to hide are coming back. 

Honestly, I like being alone. That's why I always try to leave the house early. When I'm outside I don't have to be around the people who know me and they won't ask questions. I just want to think and relax and get away from all this. I don't want to worry anybody, I just want to get away. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. My favourite quote. And I will. I have to suck it up and move on. But this time I won't keep it in anymore. I'll find someone and just tell them everything. I don't know who but I'll find someone who understands and they don't even need to tell me anything, they just need to listen and let me let it all out. 

Until then, I've got this blog. (:

I still have so much to do. Home ec, chinese tuition hw, math tuition hw, theory and more. My stage 3 drill test in next saturday and I'm so scared. I can't even make it for the drill practice today and they are teaching everything today and I'll only have the nco meeting then. What am I going to do. I missed my chem practical too, I'll have to re-take it on monday I suppose. 

I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF. Why couldn't I have just woken up? I didn't mean to collapse. I didn't mean to miss all of this. I didn't want any of this to happen. So why? Everything happens because God has planned for them to happen that way, that's what I've always believed. If that's the case then... I trust Him. Maybe He wanted it to turn out like this. I know He has a plan for me, so I'll just go along with it and have faith. 

Wow it's like I just had a pity party. Woo it feels good to let it all out. I hope no one that's close to me reads this post though. If you think I'm some whinny girl who can't do anything for herself, you go ahead and judge. Not like I can stop you anyway. Hope it makes you feel better about yourself, have a nice day.  

A singer for God. A baseball jacket. My own laptop. Own a pair of Toms & Vans. Pierce my ears. Learn how to play the guitar. Dance in the rain. Ride the Tower of Terror in Tokyo Disneysea again. Master nail art. Learn how to do a french braid. I wanna be blown away, I wanna be swept off my feet, I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe. I wanna be lost in love, I wanna be your dream come true, I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you. I want to fall in love. I want to look at the clouds with him. I want to find myself again. I want to be happy.