He paused a moment, cocking his head. "If I was dying of cancer and in god-awful pain and I asked you to kill me, would you do it?" 
Allie didn't hesitate. "Yes. But then I'd kill myself, too." 
Cam's mouth fell open. "Because you'd murdered me?" 
"No," Allie said. "Because you'd be dead."

Ello! Today was tiring but not in a physical way. I was arguing with myself inside my head, yeah weird I know. I keep on thinking about him lately. It was all my fault, I stopped things. I wasn't the one who cared more. I went along for the ride while he kept things going. Silly me, now I've hurt both of us. 

Recently I've been reading the book called "Mercy" by Jodi Picoult. I know it's a really old book okay, don't judge me hahah. It's about this man, Jamie MacDonald, who killed his wife and willing confessed that he did. They say he loved her so much, that it was enough for him to let her go. I just started on the book and I don't want to spoil it or anything so I won't say anything more.

*I'm gonna rant now you're free to leave this page* I can't relate yet, I don't think I've met that special someone whom I can love so much and spend the rest of my life with. Tesco (obviously not his real name), is a complete asshole, idiot and such a playboy. But I fell for him anyway.

WHYYY.

HAHAHA sorry. I just... we always had the craziest conversations with each other and all our secret inside jokes. We talked and texted one another almost everyday, almost like a couple. We were at the point where everything was wonderful, like a dream. But all dreams have to come to an end. We were at the top and there was nowhere else to go except down. I just wish I'd realize it sooner.

I knew my mom would never allow me to have a relationship now and honestly I don't think I would want to. I'm still young, why be tied down by a bgr now? It can wait. (; Suddenly, I felt nothing. Maybe it was because we were so close and the novelty wore off? I don't know, I just didn't feel anything anymore. The feeling of not wanting to have anything to do with him kept on coming and going and I just didn't know what to. So I stopped it. He would always text first and try to continue the conversation but I wouldn't. It's all my fault, and even now I'm not sure if I still have feelings for him or not. I'm so scared, I'm so scared. What if I never find the one where even if I get really close to him, the feelings won't fade.

Feels good just to let it all out. Sigh, I'm gonna see him this sat, might blog if anything happened. Oh there's just so many stories I wish I could write here! It's getting late and I have school tomorrow. ): I know my title didn't really have anything to do with this post, but I liked it. I want to find someone that can just be by my side and when I'm with him, I'll know that I'm safe and sound no matter where we are. Definitely not now, later in life of course.  

Such a girl's dream right?                                                                  

A singer for God. A baseball jacket. My own laptop. Own a pair of Toms & Vans. Pierce my ears. Learn how to play the guitar. Dance in the rain. Ride the Tower of Terror in Tokyo Disneysea again. Master nail art. Learn how to do a french braid. I wanna be blown away, I wanna be swept off my feet, I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe. I wanna be lost in love, I wanna be your dream come true, I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you. I want to fall in love. I want to look at the clouds with him. I want to find myself again. I want to be happy.