Lightning broke the sky like angry tears

Cracking down the face of angels

All I really want is just for someone to like me for me. Not necessarily in a romantic way, even as a friend. I'll never understand how people can decide that they like someone based on how they look. And then I realise I'm a hypocrite, because I'm guilty of that too. But as you grow older and if you're lucky, a little wiser, you start to wonder about the things that really matter. 

I don't want someone to like me because of how I look, or because of who they think I might be. I'd want to get to know someone first, know their personality, what are they like around their family, what are their favourite songs etc. before I even decide and admit to myself that I like that person. In all honesty, I think looks do matter. But they're just not the only things that do. So how can you make a judgement about somebody and your feelings about them based on their appearance. 

I want somebody to like me for all the small things that might mean the world to them. I want somebody to like me for the way I laugh for 5 minutes straight at the same lame joke. I want somebody to like me for the way I can listen to my favourite bands on replay the whole day and sing along to every song. I want somebody to like me for the way I cuddle up in bed with books when the world doesn't feel right and neither do I. 

But then again, I've seen what love and feelings and relationships can do. 

I've seen my dad running after our car with my mum driving away as fast as she can, her face furious and devastated all at the same time with tears and muscus dripping down her face. I've seen the fights that parents have while you're huddling down in the kitchen trying to comfort your baby brother. I've seen relationships fall apart and the people you love feeling broken, knowing that there's absolutely nothing you can do to make them feel okay again.

But then again, I've seen what happens when love works out the way it's supposed to. I've seen my mum and dad holding hands, walking together in the shopping mall. I've seen the little kiss my dad gives my mum when he comes back home from work. I've seen the biggest smile on my sister's face when she comes back from a great day with the one she can't stop thinking about. And I've felt what it's like to just see the face of the person you'd give everything for and you feel that everything is going to work out again as long as you have them, even if it's just for that moment.

I sit and wonder how can something so beautiful either make you or break you. But I guess that's the beauty of it. When you decide to love someone, what if you fall? But then again, what if you fly? And I think that that's the most exciting and wonderful part about love. That you'll never know what's going to happen, but you know that as long as you have someone to love and someone to love you back, someone to protect and care for, you can face anything together.

So it's not that I don't love you, it's that I still do. 

It's weird how sometimes you think that the people who'd be there for you forever, are the first ones to leave when you need somebody.

Sometimes in life when I'm doing the most normal of things like reading a book or just listening in class; I stop and think, what am I doing here. What am I doing with my life, is this how I want to keep on going? And I think that I want to go out and travel the world and help others in the less fortunate countries but then a part of me wants to fall in love and stay grounded and another part of me just wants to do well and make my parents proud. 

And I just have a lot of homework.

But when I stop and think about life and how we're living, I can't help but wonder if there's more to it than just these mediocre everyday activities. I look around the train and my home and see the haggard, helpless faces of the weary, heartbroken and the lost. I look around at this broken world that we live in and try to find what's left for me, for us, here. 

But every now and then, through the dark clouds and the rainy seasons, I see a sliver of light, just beyond the horizon. Close enough to see, but too far to touch. And that's what we live for. In the midst of all our tragedies and heartbreaks, that sliver of light and hope is all that we have to hold onto. To embrace it's warmth and to live in the now, even if it's just for that moment. To know that you are alive and you are breathing, and there are some things in this world still worth living for. 

Do you ever just feel so alone that there's literally no one to turn to? I feel that way now and I can't get out of it. I'm finding it harder and harder to trust and friends now seem so far away. How did we grow apart so fast. I wish I wasn't the loner again. 

Drill competition is over. It was one of the toughest, most stressful and best experiences of my life. Silver and best commander. But the results don't matter as much anymore, because my senior contingent mean so much more to me. I couldn't be prouder. 

CTs are over. I'd like to say that I did so badly because it's the first ct of sec 3 and I could only start studying after my competition which was 5 days before the exams, but I don't even know anymore. The results are really bad, and I don't have the guts to tell anybody. I can't stand disappointing everyone again. 

I've trying to read more, I have a stack of Neil Gaiman books and the perks of being a wallflower waiting for me on my table but I don't seem to have the time. A lot of tests, my science competition report, preparation for chinese O's this year. I really want to do well for chinese because it's just normal chinese, if I don't get an A then I know I'm really... a failure. I can't let a grade define me, but I can't help but let the opinions of others do it. 

Last chance is coming up, I'm really excited. But I feel so far away, I need to run back to God because I'm so tired I can't do all this on my own. I'm CSM now, I'm happy but I'm scared and I feel like no one else wants me to be it. Girls are really confusing, I don't even understand myself. 

Today we met my long lost uncle, they lost touch 17 years ago before I was born. I didn't understand a lot of things and I still don't. But sitting there in his house looking at a man who looks so much like my dad and uncle, this moment will become a story that I'll tell my children one day, I thought to myself. My siblings were complaining about how they want to go home, but then I thought about it. I can't imagine how it must be like for my dad, finally seeing his brother after 17 years. They looked so awkward talking, but they looked so happy. 

How did he suddenly find us? Why didn't he call earlier? These questions were bugging me all day and my brother asked them too. My dad didn't know, I didn't know and I don't think I'll ever know or understand, but that's okay. He's here now and that's all that matters. 

I've been trying to be a lot more positive, because I can't live dreading every single day. I need a purpose in life, and I need to always keep my eyes on Jesus if not I'll drown. Over these past few months, I've been thinking a lot. I do that too much I think. Ever since school started and since we split up, I'm alone much more often. And I have to pretend it's okay and it is sometimes, but other times I'm just stuck with me and my thoughts and it drives me crazy so I have my music. 

In life we'll always go through those phases where nothing's wrong but nothing's right, and you just feel so sad all the time over nothing in particular and you don't know how to deal with it. But recently I read a story, and it really changed my perspective. 

We are the zombies. Why do we choke down our feelings and pretend that everything's okay when it's not? We don't want people to worry and it's easier than explaining and all that shit, I get that. But what good is that? It can't change our situation. We need others, and we need others to help us when we can't handle our own problems. Don't play the hero your whole life, because you're gonna need someone to save you too one day. 

People were meant to cry and hurt and laugh. We're supposed to cry when we're sad and shout when we're angry. We're supposed to feel with no filters. What's the point of feeling anything when we spend our whole lives trying not to feeling anything. The point is we're meant to feel and embrace our emotions. It's okay to feel broken. I know what it's like to hurt. And I know what it's like to be alone. But I won't let it control me, because I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm only so young, how am I ever going to survive out there if I keep everything to myself and bottle up my emotions.

Feel your emotions, good or bad. Cry it out. Laugh it out. Embrace it. 

Holding on with everything I've got. 

Give me a few more weeks. I gotta get through this. 

I'm dying.